Matt and I met when I was only 15 years old. We were teenagers, and nobody imagined we would stay together and get married 5 years later. We may have only been teenagers, but we talked about marriage and children often. Five years later, we married, and I moved my life to follow my heart, and my Airman. It’s been the best eight months of my life, but it has also been the hardest.

After we got married, we immediately started trying for a baby. Our parents told us to “wait and give it a few years,” as we are only 21 and 22 years old. Despite what our families were saying, we wanted a baby, so a baby we would have. We tried for a few months, but nothing was happening. We contemplated waiting and starting up again in a year or so, as I was having terrible anxiety. We talked, and visited the doctor, and had countless conversations on whether or not to keep trying. Matthew just wanted me to be happy, and left the decision up to me. I thought about it, and made the decision that I was not going to let anxiety run my life. I have anxiety, I am always going to have anxiety, and I will not let it get in the way of our happiness. So we kept trying. Nine months have gone by, and still nothing. We have been told we have fertility problems. The chances of us conceiving naturally, is slim at best. Now, we have to deal with it.

I was devastated. Matt was angry. He kept saying it was his fault, and that he was so sorry. Never in my life, could I ever imagine blaming my husband for us not being able to conceive. He did not choose this, but I did choose him, and he still amazes me every day with his strength.

We are dealing with this obstacle, and we will overcome it. As much as I do believe that, I spend a lot of time believing something else. I worry. I worry that there’s something else wrong with me. I worry that we will never be parents, and I worry that this will begin to hurt my new marriage. Every time I cry, Matthew thinks I am angry at him. In reality, I am just sad. I’m sad that the one thing I want is out of my reach, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m sad because I feel like nobody understands. I am tired of being told that I am young and it will eventually happen. I don’t want to hear that I just need to relax. I don’t need somebody to tell me how “crazy” or “dramatic” I am being. When you want a baby, and are told is going to be difficult, then you can tell me how crazy and dramatic I’m being. And I really don’t want to be told that there’s always adoption. I know that adoption is always an option, but I want to bear a child of my own. I don’t think there is any shame in that.

People who haven’t been through infertility cannot even to begin to understand how much it consumes you. How much your heart really does hurt every month when that test is negative.  I envy every person that I see who has a child. I don’t mean to hate them with every fiber in my body, but I honestly can’t help it. I spend countless hours researching, and trying to come up with a solution to this problem, and one day, I’m sure I’ll realize there really is nothing I can do but wait. And I know one day we will be holding a baby in our arms, but until then, we will continue to live our lives with this heaviness.

I’m sorry if this was too dramatic for you, or if you think infertility is a personal matter, but when you’re dealing with infertility, support means more than anything. Having somebody to talk to that actually cares, takes so much weight off of my shoulders. Until next time friends.

Torie